Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?



Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.


Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.


[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.


Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.


The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.


[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.


Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.


News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!


Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey