@ObscureGent: Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
@ObscureGent: Marijuana is a dangerous drug. My uncle once got so high that he thought it was OK to explain the musical history of Santana and the Grateful Dead.
@ObscureGent: [first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
@ObscureGent: Back in my day teenagers didn't vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
@ObscureGent: Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don't get murdered by Courtney Love.
@ObscureGent: 2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
@ObscureGent: I don't care how much it rains, I'm not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
@ObscureGent: Me: *opens door*
Jehovah's Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova's Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
@ObscureGent: If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.