Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it