Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
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[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not