@OctopusCaveman: Cop: Where were you on the night of
Me: I was at home alone
Cop: You didn’t even hear the date
Me: Trust me, I was at home alone
@OctopusCaveman: Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
@OctopusCaveman: Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
@OctopusCaveman: [About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird's beak* Good boy Rory.
Me: Don't you feel stupid now?
@OctopusCaveman: Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you
Me: Apology accepted
@OctopusCaveman: A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
@OctopusCaveman: I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
@OctopusCaveman: Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way