Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of OctopusCaveman's best tweets

@OctopusCaveman : My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

@OctopusCaveman: Cop: Where were you on the night of

Me: I was at home alone

Cop: You didn’t even hear the date

Me: Trust me, I was at home alone

@OctopusCaveman: Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

@OctopusCaveman: Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

@OctopusCaveman: Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

@OctopusCaveman: [About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird's beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don't you feel stupid now?

@OctopusCaveman: Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

@OctopusCaveman: A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

@OctopusCaveman: I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

@OctopusCaveman: Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way