@OctopusCaveman

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

@OctopusCaveman

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

@OctopusCaveman

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

@OctopusCaveman

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

@OctopusCaveman

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

@OctopusCaveman

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

@OctopusCaveman

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

@OctopusCaveman

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

@OctopusCaveman

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend