Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of OctopusCaveman's best tweets

@OctopusCaveman : A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

@OctopusCaveman: I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

@OctopusCaveman: Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

@OctopusCaveman: Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

@OctopusCaveman: When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@OctopusCaveman: I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

@OctopusCaveman: Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

@OctopusCaveman: Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

@OctopusCaveman: Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

@OctopusCaveman: Having sex is like riding a bike. When you’re over 30 nobody wants to watch you do it unless you’re a professional.