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Page of OctopusCaveman's best tweets

@OctopusCaveman : Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

@OctopusCaveman: Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

@OctopusCaveman: Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

@OctopusCaveman: My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

@OctopusCaveman: I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

@OctopusCaveman: “Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

@OctopusCaveman: Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

@OctopusCaveman: Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

@OctopusCaveman: My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.