@OctopusCaveman

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

@OctopusCaveman

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

@OctopusCaveman

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

@OctopusCaveman

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

@OctopusCaveman

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

@OctopusCaveman

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

@OctopusCaveman

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

@OctopusCaveman

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!