I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.