@OctopusCavemann

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

@OctopusCavemann

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

@OctopusCavemann

Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.

Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.

@OctopusCavemann

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

@OctopusCavemann

St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven

Me: Wow! An open bar!

St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink

Me: *slips him a fake ID*

St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music

@OctopusCavemann

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

@OctopusCavemann

[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]

Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?

Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope

@OctopusCavemann

You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.

@OctopusCavemann

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…