[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.
Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven
Me: Wow! An open bar!
St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink
Me: *slips him a fake ID*
St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]
Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?
Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope
You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…