Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]