Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
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Geez man, take it easy.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies