Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
we’re gonna need another temp
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT