me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”