Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
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All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell