I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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#Caturday
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Omg 🤣
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.