@OfficeofSteve

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

@OfficeofSteve

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

@OfficeofSteve

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

@OfficeofSteve

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

@OfficeofSteve

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

@OfficeofSteve

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

@OfficeofSteve

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

@OfficeofSteve

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

@OfficeofSteve

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

@OfficeofSteve

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in