@OfficeofSteve When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
@OfficeofSteve 
@OfficeofSteve You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
@OfficeofSteve I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
@OfficeofSteve If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
@OfficeofSteve My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
@OfficeofSteve Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
@OfficeofSteve Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
@OfficeofSteve I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
@OfficeofSteve Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
@OfficeofSteve I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in