When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in