@OfficeofSteve

I hope when we are done with this quarantine that it becomes mandatory to be driving around in Pope Mobiles

@OfficeofSteve

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

@OfficeofSteve

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

@OfficeofSteve

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

@OfficeofSteve

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

@OfficeofSteve

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

@OfficeofSteve

Apes stopped waving at us ever since they found out we evolved from them

@OfficeofSteve

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

@OfficeofSteve

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner