“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Wake me when AI does housework
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.