Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
You Might Also Like
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.