I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
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I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”