Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
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Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
concern
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My dad teaching me to drive
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake