Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool