[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
You Might Also Like
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
That earthquake could have been an email.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.