@OhNoSheTwitnt: If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [cat starts snoring]
[dog starts snoring]
[spouse starts snoring]
I would murder you twice right now if I could.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
"I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women's jokes on Twitter"
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.