computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.