I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
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*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.