Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
me hooking up with my ex