Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
seems fine
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”