There’s no “us” in nachos.
You Might Also Like
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
adam and eve had first world problems
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me if I was a dog
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.