Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.