Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My background check bounced.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha