hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
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I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Ain’t no way