Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Software Development ⛵️
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing