Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
You Might Also Like
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.