WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Delightful if true: booby trap.