professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
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The asteroid..
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen