PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
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Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.