I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
any last words?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.