@OllyiConic

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

@OllyiConic

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

@OllyiConic

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

@OllyiConic

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

@OllyiConic

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

@OllyiConic

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

@OllyiConic

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

@OllyiConic

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

@OllyiConic

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

@OllyiConic

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you