god: [squinting at earth] let me borrow your binoculars

angel: first promise you won’t get mad


olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives


kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees


interviewer: what can you tell me about the last two years of your life

me: just that i hope they haven’t started yet


Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.


cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take


driving instructor: avoid the orange cones

student driver: there’s hundreds of them

instructor: [looks up] oh my god they found me


me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me


genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on


creditor: this entire call will be recorded

comedian: awesome can i use this as a credit