My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here