Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.