Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
You Might Also Like
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire