There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea