Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
You Might Also Like
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
This kid is going places
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Was it something I said?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline