You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Solving a traffic jam
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.