When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle