Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
There’s always that one guy
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.