[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them