I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
nice challenge
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
tis the season
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.