@OneTrickTofani

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

@OneTrickTofani

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

@OneTrickTofani

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

@OneTrickTofani

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

@OneTrickTofani

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

@OneTrickTofani

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

@OneTrickTofani

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

@OneTrickTofani

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”