Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.