I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.
I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.
But a Pepsi drinker…
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.
And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
4yo: What happened to the fish?
Me: It drowned.
4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.
Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.
If two people love each other nothing is impossible…
Except deciding where to eat.
A cig takes 7 minutes off your life
A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life
According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
My voicemail greeting:
Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.