@One_FineMess

I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

@One_FineMess

My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.

@One_FineMess

Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

But a Pepsi drinker…

@One_FineMess

Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.

And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.

@One_FineMess

4yo: What happened to the fish?

Me: It drowned.

4yo: …

Me: …

4yo: …

Me: …

4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.

@One_FineMess

Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.

@One_FineMess

If two people love each other nothing is impossible…

Except deciding where to eat.

@One_FineMess

A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

@One_FineMess

My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.