Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@One_FineMess : I don't understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.
I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
@One_FineMess: You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…
@One_FineMess: My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I'm beginning to think she's more antisocial than I am.
@One_FineMess: Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.
But a Pepsi drinker...
@One_FineMess: Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.
And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
@One_FineMess: 4yo: What happened to the fish?
Me: It drowned.
4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.
@One_FineMess: Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.
@One_FineMess: If two people love each other nothing is impossible...
Except deciding where to eat.
@One_FineMess: A cig takes 7 minutes off your life
A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life
According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
@One_FineMess: My voicemail greeting:
Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.