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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
an octopus is just a wet spider
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.