@OnlyFastEddie

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

@OnlyFastEddie

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

@OnlyFastEddie

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

@OnlyFastEddie

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

@OnlyFastEddie

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar