As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
$3 #books
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.