“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.